Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
