OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
