I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
