I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
