Can i not drive my cunt home
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
