the condom got lost in my hair
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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