I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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