dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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