ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My liver just had a heart attack.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
