Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
