Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
