Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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