I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
