i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
