I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
