nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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