She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
