Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize