Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
