I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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