Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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