I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
