I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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