I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
