my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
