I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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