Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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