We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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