Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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