I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
