Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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