i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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