Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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