I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize