Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
