and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
