Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
