Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
