so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
