why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize