i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
