I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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