you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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