take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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