I CAN MOONWALK!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
