So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
