Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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