Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
