Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
