Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
