Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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