she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
