My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
