her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
