Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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