Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
