I showed him my bush... on skype.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
