Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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