last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
MIDGETS
????
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
